And Then There Were Three

To round out today’s stroll down memory lane:

Eclipse
 
Sigh. Honestly, this book was so (relatively) unnecessary to the “canon” of Twilight I barely even remember what happened. It took me weeks of thinking to even come up with a handful of events in this inexplicably massive tome.

In the book, Edward ups his psycho-stalker abusive boyfriend quotient by forbidding Bella from visiting Jacob at La Push, and when she finally shows the tiniest inkling of spine and tries to sneak off and see Jacob anyway, Edward has preemptively disabled her truck. Psyyyyyyyyyyychooooooooo. Not that Bella is clean as a whistle here either. For one, she did not confront Edward and make it clear to him that she is an autonomous individual who will go wherever she pleases. Secondly, if you really love a guy forever and ever, do you really get up early in the morning to sneak out and spend time with another guy? Terrible relationship behaviors to model on all sides! Congratulations Smeyer!

Oh, but our wily Smeyer has wised up after the near debacle of AwesomeJacob vs. AbusiveEdward in New Moon. If Edward has taken his controlling behavior to new depths, Jacob is going for the gold in Sexual Assault! When Bella is finally “allowed” (that this permission should be needed from her boyfriend makes me bristle) to attend a party with Jacob and friends at La Push, Jacob forces himself on Bella by forcibly stealing a kiss. In one of her few decent moves in the series, Bella socks him…and then breaks her hand. Sigh. Way to rob Bella’s defense of her own person and boundaries of any and all impact Smeyer. Even more bizarrely, when Bella informs her father of what happened Charlie gives Jacob the ol’ mental high-five! I understand that Smeyer wants to compound Bella’s angsty “everyone’s against me and Edward but I lub him forever and ever!” crap but this is just disturbing. Any father worth his salt, and especially one who didn’t want Bella dating anyone ever in the beginning, should be justifiably homicidal on hearing that a boy has tried to force himself on the man’s daughter. Vomit.

Uh…so what else? There’s some trumped up crap about the redheaded vampire Victoria (lovuh of the dead blood…drinker who tried to kill Bella in the first installment and ended up dismembered and torched himself) building an army of nigh uncontrollable “newborn” vamps to take out the Cullen klatch. One can only hope, right?

The discovery of this plot causes a few things to happen. Bella has Edward’s family take. A. Vote. On whether or not he should turn her into a vamp. Either the ayes had it or there was a tie, but either way Bella isn’t turned. Rosalie does come to her in the night and explain that becoming a vampire will put the kibosh on any babymaking plans Bella and Edward might have had, and we learn Rosalie’s backstory. We also learn that she is infinitely more interesting than Bella and Edward combined and the books might have been much more readable had she been the main character. We also learn of Jasper’s origins, and he is ALSO vastly more interesting than our two cardboard-cutout lovebirds. Turns out Jasper is a total badass former vampire army general with a sordid, bloody past. Wowza.

The doggies and sparklepires combine forces to protect Forks/La Push/Themselves from falling prey to Victoria’s army, and there is a boring training sequence.

During the fight proper, while all of their friends are conceivably off dying, SelfishBella and Edward are off on a camping trip in the mountains where she shares a sleeping bag and makes out with Jacob…WHAT?! Yeah, you read that right. Not Edward, Jacob. All their friends are off ostensibly (but not because this is Smeyer) dying and Bella is having a one-woman key party. All of a sudden Bella is TORN because she realizes she loves BOTH Jacob AND Edward. Girl, pull a Kelly Taylor and choose yourself.

Anyway, this is supposed to be suspenseful but isn’t because you know the whole damn time she’s just going to pick old SparkleButt McPissEyes AGAIN. Yeah, I said it. Piss eyes, because you know what is a deep gold color? The urine of a severely dehydrated person. NOT. HOT.

Nobody on “our” team dies because Smeyer is a gigantic weiner, the MacGuffins show up to speed Bella and Edward to matrimony, and Bella pawns off all wedding planning duties on Alice so she can spend tons of time bitching about everything Alice so generously does.

The only thing I remember actually liking about the book is that Alice had had a turn-of-the-century style wedding dress created for Bella, as a special surprise to Edward (since that was the time when he was “alive”). It seemed like a nice gesture, and made Edward seem slightly more “old-fashioned and romantic” than plain old vanilla psychotic.

Jacob runs away foreburr but Edward is a total douche and rubs salt in his wounds by sending him an invite to the wedding anyway.

There was also some crap about imprinting that will be important for the next hastily slapped together collection of pages in this “saga”, but it was so nonsensical I don’t want to write about it.

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